soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
