Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
