FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
