I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
