The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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