If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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