I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
