just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
