goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
