Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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