He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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