I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
