god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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