if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
