take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
