After last night, I could never be a politician.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
