I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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