Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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