now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
