someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Two words: nipple clamps
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