Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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