Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
