Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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