im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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