hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
