all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
