don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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