either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
