You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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