Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
