Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
