I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
