My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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