I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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