A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
