i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
