I think I won the penis lottery.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
