Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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