YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will be naked everywhere
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
