omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Come on in and take your pants off
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