What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I could make wine with my vomit
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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