I bet he comes in French.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
