yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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