My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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