so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
