i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
