Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
