you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
