I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
