Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
