Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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